


Some people fight, some people fall

by darksideofthescreen (carrotsandcurly)



Series: On a street where reality is not much different from dreams I've had [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, So much angst, ashton is sad but he hates it, post-rape?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-20
Updated: 2014-09-20
Packaged: 2018-02-08 10:07:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1936833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carrotsandcurly/pseuds/darksideofthescreen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashton knew that it would be easy for him to sneak away and hide for a while. He felt the need to cry, and he knew that he couldn’t cry with the others around, they had enough to worry about as it was. They worried too much about him as well, there was no need really, Ashton could deal with it himself, he needed to be the strong one in the group, just like he had always been before. </p><p>or</p><p>Ashton is confused, sad and most of all tired. All he wants to do is forget</p>
            </blockquote>





	Some people fight, some people fall

**Author's Note:**

  * For [isclde](https://archiveofourown.org/users/isclde/gifts).



> I'm terribly sorry for the super long delay of this?  
> I have no good excuses and I hope you will forgive me. 
> 
> Title from The Heart Never Lies by Mcfly
> 
>  
> 
> TW for anxiety attacks and self harm (although the sh is hard to notice, and you probably will miss it)

Dark patches of wetness were spreading over the material of his sleeping shirt, making the material stick to his already too warm and sticky skin. He keep turning in the little bunk bed and the restlessness did nothing but disturb everyone in the bus, but no one said anything. They kept quiet, they were all happy that Ashton actually did sleep now. The first week after the  _ incident  _ Ashton hadn’t even laid down in bed, and the thought of sleep had scared the living soul out of him, he imagined himself dreaming about the place that he didn’t want to know what it looked like, and he was sure that when he did fall asleep, he would see what it looked like. 

  
  


But he couldn’t stay awake forever, and when his body  _ finally  _ shut down, it was a relief for Ashton, and everyone else, to discover that the sleep he fell into was a totally dreamless one, and it had been quite the struggle to get him to do anything but sleep. The doctor said it was probably for the best, that his body needed all the rest it could get, and honestly, Calum got that, he really did, but it was so  _ frustrating  _ to watch someone who usually ran around, chasing Luke with a fucking tutu of all things, laughing until he couldn’t breathe, being so still and vulnerable all the time. 

  
  


Ashton didn’t really recall much of this time, all he knew was that he had to stay his usual happy self in front of the fans. They couldn’t know about what happened, he didn’t want them to know how  _ weak  _ he had been. Unable to stop it from happening, unable to fight for himself, and to have someone buried inside of him without his approval, no it was not something  he wanted people to know about. It was embarrassing enough to have Calum come help him, see his abused body and having to go through the humiliation of the check up at the hospital. And every single look of pity, no he didn’t want that from the fans too. Everyone in the crew that knew always gave him these sad looks, and it fucking sucked. 

  
  


“Ashton?” Calum made sure his presence  was known before he sat down on the bed and quietly ran a hand down the back of Ashton’s arm, he had quickly learned not to touch anything but his arms before he got to touch anything else, Ashton had told him it was because it was what Calum always had done to him, and that it felt safe that way. No one else really did it that way and Ashton wanted to know who touched him, as soon as a small fingertip came to rest on his skin. 

  
  


Ashton made a noise into his pillow and he felt the bed dip once again as Calum laid down and wrapped his limbs around the older lad, and he was happy that it wa Cal and not someone else. Things felt safe with him, he never told Ashton that ha was sorry, and he didn’t pity him, at least not when Ashton was looking at him and talked to him. If he did talk. On some days he just kind of hid inside of himself, a way of guarding himself from the evil voices of the people around him, and on those day he didn’t speak a single word. 

  
  


“You need to get up and eat something, Harry made some kind of dinner in their bus, and I think he did it for you” Calum rested his chin on Ashtons shoulder and he made sure to be gentle when he whispered, if Ashton didn’t want to get up then he would probably go back to sleep and Calum really didn’t want to disturb him when he was sleeping. Sleep seemed to be the thing that calmed him down the most. 

  
  


“What did he make?” Ashton’s voice was kinda low and hoarse, which made sense since he just woke up, but it was worse than it was in the morning, which meant he had been screaming in his sleep again and Calum was so grateful that the sounds from the inside of the bus were almost impossible to hear from outside. They had told the fans that Ashton had caught a very severe case of the flu, to keep them away from wondering why he wasn’t always with the rest of them in interviews and sometimes even on shows. And it was quite believable, Ashton looked tired and weak most of the time and his voice was noticeably more raspy and hoarse from all the screaming he did. On most night, Calum came to his bunk and slipped under the covers to hold him as he cried, the nights being the only time he allowed himself to let his guard down. 

  
  


“ Not sure actually, probably something cheesy to make Louis happy, you know how he is” whispered Calum back and he shook his head, this meant that it wasn’t a super bad day. Calum hade the  _ super bad  _ days a lot, because on those days it was so obvious how much Ashton was actually suffering, he didn’t bother as much to cover up how much he was actually hurting. 

  
  


Ashton nodded slowly, and he considered it. He could stay in bed, but that would just make everyone worried and disappointed and  he hated to disappoint them, any of them really. And he knew that he did every single  _ fucking  _ day, and it sucked. He didn’t want them to suffer from his stupid mistakes, it would have been so easy if he just hadn’t felt sad. If he just stayed happy and had pushed the lonely thoughts away. But  _ no,  _ instead he had to go and fuck up really bad and make everyone around him uncomfortable and sad.

  
  


He turned around as he decided that getting up was a better idea to actually get up, he wanted to please, make the others worry a little less for a while. They shouldn’t feel the need to worry, and Ashton was determined to make them stop worrying about him. He was  _ fine  _ and even if that was a lie, he still didn’t want them to be sad because of him. Enough was enough. 

  
  


“ Gimme ten minutes and I’ll be right there okay?” he watched the hesitation that washed over Calum’s features and he took a deep breath and counted to ten before he could hear a faint mumble of  _ yes okay, love you _ and seconds later he was left alone in the bed again. He released the breath and listened after the thump of the door as Calum made his way back to the other bus. 

  
  


Once he was sure that he was alone again he slowly got out of bed and stretched his limbs until he could hear the sounds of his bones popping and he grabbed a pair of clothes and locked himself inside of the bathroom. He purposely avoided the mirror as he changed from the shirt that still was wet from sweat and how could Calum stand to be near him when he was so  _ dirty, gross  _ and just completely  _ wrong?  _ He didn’t even want to look at himself at this rate, he couldn’t stand the way his own body looked like right now. Couldn’t stand all the bruises, bumps and scars that covered his body. He was scared of looking himself in the eye, scared of what he might find inside of his eyes. 

  
  


After straightening his sweats about five hundred times, and changed shirts at least ten times to make sure what he was wearing was covering up the worst damage on his fucked up body, he stepped out of the bus. It was a lot later than what he thought it would have been, it was already dark outside. Which meant he spent yet another day in bed, doing nothing but being a waste of space.  

  
  


Opening the door into the other bus, and Ashton was met by the sounds of booming laughter and he almost thought of turning around because he  _ knew  _ that they would stop as soon as he made them aware of his presence. He didn’t have the time to even take a small step back before he was greeted with a soft  _ hello Ash  _ from Luke who held his hand out for him to take and Ash let out a deep sigh before grabbing it and letting Luke drag him to the dining table. 

The boys all kind of made sure to give him reassuring touches and they checked up on him almost every hour. Ashton knew this because they weren’t always that quiet and he wasn’t always asleep when they came in either, it could be one of them or all of them. 

  
  


Luke let go of his hand when they sat down on the couch in the corner, Michael on his other side and Ashton couldn’t help but lifting his hand to touch his hair. It was this light blue-ish colour with some streaks of pink and Ashton was a little upset that he didn’t know that Michael wanted to dye his hair again, he always discussed with Ashton if the colour he wanted was alright. Said he liked the reactions that he got from ashton when he giggled at how stupid some of the combinations Michael wanted to have was. 

  
  


“ Looks good” he murmured and combed his fingers through the strands of hair, and it really did look good, and he was kind of glad about the fact that Michael had dyed it again. They always joked about measuring time in what colour Michael had dyed his hair at the time, but in all honesty, the last colour would always remind Ashton of the  _ incident _ , no matter what. 

  
  


Michael made a surprised but pleased sound and turned his head to the side a little so Ashton could continue to comb his fingers through his hair and Ashton actually smiled as Michael let out a small purring sound. It was such a normal thing and he missed everything that was what they normally was, a group of lads that just had fun and made everything seem less scary by laughing and cuddling. But of course Ashton had to go ruin that,  _ no _ he refused to have those thoughts, not right now, right now he wanted to have this moment with his best friend without his mind ruining it. 

  
  


He moved closer to Michael and rested his head on top of the other lads shoulder and he felt himself relax a little, even if he could still hear all those thoughts running around in his head, and maybe this was what he was forced to deal with from now on. 

***

  
  


They played the last few shows in the US and as they looked out at the crowd for the last time Ashton kind of stood back and just watched, smile evident on his face. It was easy now, the act of happiness whenever the fans were around. And he realized that after this, they were going to go home, and then he was going to be all alone to deal with all the thoughts and feeling that he regularly made sure that he forgot about. That was not something he wanted to do. 

  
  


An arm was wrapped around his shoulder and he grinned brightly as they bowed to the screams of thousands of fans and they soon ran off, shouting and kind of disturbing everyone else, and Ashton knew that it would be easy for him to sneak away and hide for a while. He felt the need to cry, and he knew that he couldn’t cry with the others around, they had enough to worry about as it was. They worried too much about him as well, there was no need really, Ashton could deal with it himself, he needed to be the strong one in the group, just like he had always been before. 

  
  


He scurried away from the others as quietly as he could manage and he dodged some people in the hallway before he was able to successfully lock himself into a bathroom stall. He was quick to run the tap, the sounds of water rushing out of it covering the ones he was making, a precaution to make sure that no one got in and heard him. 

  
  


It didn’t take him long before he was unable to fight the tears anymore and he put his hand over his mouth to avoid the risk of any sobs spilling out. He had to be careful, even inside of a dirty bathroom that made him want to wash his hand just from looking at it. The only place he could fully let go and actually cry, with snot running down his face and racking sobs  filling the air, was alone in his own hotel room. Sure, he did cry at other times as well, but not in the way he felt like he needed to cry. 

  
  


Sobbing into his hand, Ashton sat down on top of the toilet lid and he tried to calm his breathing, but it was hard when all he could think of was that he was going to be  _ alone.  _ He didn’t want to go home to his mum and be a burden to her as well, all he wanted was to forget and go back in time and make sure he didn’t fuck up so royally. 

  
  


Nails broke through his skin as he tried to hold his arm still and he hissed at the feeling but did nothing to change any of it. He deserved to be hurt, and he knew that a little pain was something he could bear, he could probably handle about anything after what had happened. 

  
  


But he wasn’t strong, and he really wish he was, he wanted to be able to brush it all off and pretend that everything was alright, that he was. 

  
  


“Ash?” he could barely hear the call of his name over his rapid heartbeat and the way it seemed to be the only thing he could hear properly. He could hear his heartbeat ringing in his hears, and he wanted the rapid beats to stop and be replaced by something quiet and peaceful. Like the sound of rain or maybe even someone else’s breathing. Just anything that wasn’t his own pulse. 

  
  


“Ash!” it was a lot sharper and higher this time and Ashton shook his head to get out of the trance his body seemed to be in at the moment. He removed his hand from his mouth to be able to tell who ever was on the other side that he would be out there in a minute. 

  
  


“Open the door right now” Ashton knew better than not obeying orders at this rate, he was used to them ordering him around as soon as they get a little worried about something that probably wasn’t relevant at all. Ashton wasn’t relevant enough for them to worry about, he didn’t need them to feel sorry for him. He wanted to be there for them and for them to treat him like the person he wanted to be again. He wasn’t comfortable with them treating him like he was something fragile and something to be treated with kind words and soft touched. He hated it. 

  
  


When he opened the door, he didn’t even have time to take a breath before Calum yanked him out of the small bathroom space and into his arms. Ashton was kind of struggling to get out of his embrace, but stopped as soon as Calum sneered at him to  _ stop _ and he went limp. 

  
  


“ Fuck Ashton you can’t just  _ disappear  _ like that” he rubbed his hands up and down the drummers back and he could feel the sobs that he obviously tried to hide from the other boy. 

  
  


“I-I” he couldn’t come up with anything to say that would make any sense. Something that Calum could understand, and just maybe something that he understand himself. He couldn’t even understand, the how was he supposed to make someone else understand the pain he felt without them pitying him. 

  
  


“It hurts” he whispered. 

  
“ It hurts and no one understand, I don’t want pity, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, I want thing to go back to normal” he was still crying, which was so frustrating and embarrasing and he hated crying in front of  _ Calum  _ out of all people. It was another thing when it was dark, when Ashton could pretend that the other boy wasn’t really listening. He hated it so much, it made him weak. 

  
  


Calum just held him close for a while, let him cry without saying anything before he leaned back a little and placed his hand on Ashtons cheek and wiped his tears with the pad of his thumb. He wished Ashton would open up a little, just let him know what was going on inside of his brain.

  
  


“ Ash, I know all of this suck, and  _ god  _ I understand that you want things to go back to the way they used to be. But none of us can help you or even try to go back to normal when we don’t even have a clue of when and how we can touch you, sure you don’t flinch from everything, but it happens sometimes and we want to know when you’re not okay Ash” he said, still wiping the tears from the older lads cheek. 

  
  


“Ashton, I found you on the floor in a unknown building, full of bruises and refusing to open your eyes, and I’m sorry but I can’t just not worry” he watched as Ashtons eyes once again filled with tears and he could see the pain in his eyes. 

It hurt, knowing that Calum knew all of his secrets, Calum had found him, and it was another thing he couldn’t change, but in a way he didn’t even regret it. He knew that Calum was great at comforting and he always knew when to keep quiet instead of making Ashton talk. But it wasn’t like he wanted Calum to know about all the things he felt dayly, and he wanted to be the one taking care of the younger boy. Like it had always been. 

  
  


But he had never figured that Calum was probably hurting from this too, Ashton couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to find one of the others boys the way Calum had found him earlier. The thought of it alone made him release another sob, and he didn’t ever bother with trying to muffle it this time. What if anyone of the others got hurt in the way he had been hurt? 

  
  


Ashton placed his hands on Calums chest and pushed him away with force before he rushed into the bathroom again, barely having enough time to fall on his knees before he was retching and emptying the content of his stomach into the porcelain bowl beneath him. He couldn’t even breath, the thought of this happening to any of the others was a thought that Ashton really couldn’t stand, and because of it he could actually understand that the others might actually feel the same way when it came to him. 

  
  


He couldn’t fucking  _ breath.  _ His lungs had suddenly come up with the idea that Ashton maybe wasn’t deservant of air and for once, Ashton actually wished for something that could make it stop. Make the pain go away and something that could make him less lonely and he felt so stupid when he wished for something that made him feel less lonely a while back. He had wished for some kind of love, and he got this. Pain and guilt that ate him away every day. Worst of all was that he had no clue of how to make it stop. 

  
  


Why couldn’t he just make himself breathe? It was a thing everyone did, on regular basis, everyday. He didn’t even notice as he was being pulled back from the toilet, which he had more or less fell into, paralyzed and unable to function like a normal person. He had no clue of what to do with his limbs and he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t notice what was going on around him. He had no clue that Calum was frantically trying to make him snap out of the trance he was currently in.   

  
  


He could only focus on the hopelessness that he was feeling and he wanted to  _ die  _ right there and then, make all the pain stop. He could hear faint screaming, and he had no clue of who they belonged to until he realized he couldn't inhale because of his own screaming, and he closed his eyes to find the strenght to stop. The silence echoing in his ears instead, filling him and threatened to eat him up. 

  
  


"Baby" he shivered as the word reached his ears and he threw a punch to get away from who ever wanted to hurt him this time. He was crying, big fat tears streaming down his face along with some snot, dripping down on his chin and shirt. He could hear his frantic heartbeat and he backed up against the tiled wall. 

  
  


"Don't touch me! Please I don't want to die! Don’t hurt me!" he screamed and he sobbed loudly, out of his mind from the fear that pumped through his body, making him wanting to jump out of his own skin. All he could remember was the last time someone had called my baby, called him  _ princess  _ and it all hurt him too much He reached out for something to hit his attacker with and stretched a little too far and slipped instead, hitting his head on the tiles and he welcomed the darkness with relief. 

  
  


***

  
  


Calum had made the guy , whoever it was that was in charge of this whole tour thing, let them stay in America for another night or so, he knew Ashton wasn’t mentally stable enough to be on a plane full of people right after he had a panic attack of some sort inside of that bathroom. And quite frankly, Calum wouldn’t have let him do it either. And Ashton was so grateful about that when he woke up hours later, in a fluffy hotel bed, with the other lads spread out in the room, all doing things that wasn’t out of the ordinary. 

  
  


Ashton turned around in the bed, his face finding white sheets and he sighed, slowly remembering what had happened the day before and  _ fuck.  _ He had no clue if he had hurt Calum or not, but he prayed to god that he hadn’t, he would hate himself even more if he laid his hands on someone who had never done anything bad towards him. He would literally never forgive himself if he had hurt the one thing in his life that gave him the strength to get out of bed every day. 

  
  


“Cal?” he called out, without really lifting his head from the pillow and there was a hand in his hair within seconds, quietly stroking his hair away from his head. He didn’t know if he wanted to lift his hand and see the damage he might have done on his best friend. 

  
  


“Did...D-did I hurt you?” he asked after a while and he turned his head a little so he could look up and watch Calums face. He could literally not stand the thought of him hurting his precious  Calum, the lad who had never judged him about anything, ever. 

  
  


“I’m fine Ash” Calum said and he smiled a little at the other boy. He wasn’t lying. Ashton had been too out of his mind to do any harm to anyone but himself really. 

  
  


Ashton sniffed a little and he patted his hand on the bed besides him, hoping that Calum would understand what he wanted and he sighed again as Calum slid under the covers to join him in the mountain of fluff he was buried under. 

  
  


"I'm so so so sorry" he whispered as Calum carefully wrapped his arms around Ashtons body. He noticed that he wasn't as muscular as he had once been and frowned a little. He had to make sure that Ashton ate more regularly from now on, he didn't want the other lad to waste away.

  
  


"Shh, do not apologize, it wasn't your fault" he rubbed his hands over Ashtons back as he spoke in a soft voice. There was no space for sudden motions or hard words. Ashton needed to have thing handed to him, wrapped in cotton and bubble wrap to make them less sharp, and Calum knew this by now. He wanted Ashton to feel  _ safe  _ or at least less  _ hurt.  _ Calum never wanted his blonde friend to be hurt or sad, and to see him like this was one of the most devastating things that he has ever experienced 

  
  


Ashton sniffed again, trying to keep his tears away from leaving his eyes, but he didn’t know how to stay strong any more. All he felt was emptiness, as if his chest and stomach stopped having organs inside of the and left him empty and aching for something,  _ anything.  _ He couldn’t even feel his heartbeat and he pressed himself closer to Calum just to heat his pulse. The sound of it calming him down a little, but there was still no possibility for him to stop the tears that streamed down his flushed cheeks. 

  
  


Maybe he wasn’t as alright as he told himself everyday, maybe there was left of him was actual emptiness. All he could actually feel was how he ached to feel something that wasn’t pain and sadness. 

  
  


“ Cal, why am I like this?” he took a deep breath before he continued.  
“ Why can’t I get a grip and stop being such a twelvie? I hate crying, I hate being weak, I hate myself. You guys should hate me as well, why don’t you hate me?” he sniffed again. Already regretting the words leaving his mouth, he squeezed his eyes shut and hid his face closer to the younger boys chest. And Calum was still a boy, how was he supposed to be able to handle Ashton fucking stupid fucking problems? Sweet, lovely, caring and  _ young  _ Calum. Ashton didn’t want to trouble him. 

  
  


“I don’t hate you Ashton” Calum said and he hushed the other boy as he was about to speak again. 

“I don’t hate you, because you are one of the most amazing guys I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet, you are kind in the way I can never seem to make myself be, no matter how hard I try. I admire you for trying to be strong when you have every right in the world to break. And I love you because you’re you. I don’t care about any bruises or scars on your body and soul, and I don’t care who put them there. They’re not you and I love you so much Ashton, don’t bring yourself down like this” he inhaled, he had forgotten to breathe during his little speech. 

  
Ashton let out another sob, unable to keep it inside anymore. He couldn’t even answer Calum, all he did was cry. He wasn’t alright, not at all. But maybe, with some help from Calum and the other guys, he might get less not okay, and that was such a relief that all he could do was to cry some more with Calum stroking his back, whispering sweet things into his ears. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I never really planned on him hurting this much, I just wanted to write something angsty and I ended up with this monster. I am really sorry, it's been a struggle to write and i hope it was worth it x
> 
> I really regret making him hurtthis much, and yes I'm going to try to make a part 3 as soon as possible.
> 
> Yell at me all you want, either in the comments or on my tumblr xxlashtonxx.tumblr.com
> 
> Love ya x


End file.
